This is one of many jokes and humorous articles I collected, mainly from USENET and similar
sources in the early to mid 1990s. They're really not very interesting nowadays.
047 SENT: 90-07-17 18:47 ORIGINAL
FROM: MELINGER_DAN @SVLDEV
TO: LEMON_JOHN.HUMOR @COMM
SUBJECT: HUMOR: Programming Languages
DISCLAIMER: This might be offensive to compiler developers or
those with a foot fetish. F6 if you can't handle it.
A friend from Sun sent me this. I hope y'all like it!
How to Determine Which Programming Language You're Using:
The proliferation of modern programming languages which seem to have
stolen countless features from each other sometimes makes it difficult to
remember which language you're using. This guide is offered as a public
service to help programmers in such dilemmas.
C: You shoot yourself in the foot.
Assembly: You crash the OS and overwrite the root disk. The system
administrator arrives and shoots you in the foot. After
a moment of contemplation, the administrator shoots himself
in the foot and then hops around the room rabidly shooting
at everyone in sight.
APL: You hear a gunshot, and there's a hole in your foot, but you
don't remember enough linear algebra to understand what the
hell happened.
C++: You accidently create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot
them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical care
is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies
and which are just pointing at others and saying, "that's
me, over there."
Ada: If you are dumb enough to actually use this language, the
United States Department of Defense will kidnap you,
stand you up in front of a firing squad, and tell the
soldiers, "Shoot at his feet."
Modula/2: After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything
in the language, you shoot yourself in the head.
sh,
csh,etc.: You can't remember the syntax for anything, so you spend five hours
reading man pages before giving up. You then shoot the computer
and switch to C.
Smalltalk: You spend so much time playing with the graphics and windowing
system that your boss shoots you in the foot, takes away your
workstation, and makes you develop in COBOL on a character
terminal.
FORTRAN:
You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out
of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run
out of bullets, you continue anyway because you have no exception-
processing ability.
Algol:
You shoot yourself in the foot with a musket. The musket is
esthetically fascinating, and the wound baffles the adolescent
medic in the emergency room.
COBOL:
USEing a COLT45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place
ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER, and SQUEEZE. THEN
return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. Check whether shoelace needs
to be retied.
BASIC:
Shoot self in foot with water pistol. On big systems, continue
until entire lower body is waterlogged.
PL/I:
You consume all available system resources, including all the
offline bullets. The DataProcessing&Payroll Department doubles
its size, triples its budget, acquires four new mainframes, and
drops the original one on your foot.
SNOBOL:
You grab your foot with your hand, then rewrite your hand to
be a bullet. The act of shooting the original foot then
changes your hand/bullet into yet another foot (a left foot).
lisp:
You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun
with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the
gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds...
scheme:
You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with
which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun
with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the
gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds...
...but none of the other appendages are aware of this happening.
English:
You put your foot in your mouth, then bite it off.
Default Folder: M Default Message ID: 047
ENTER COMMAND>>
Rita Rudner's 50 facts about men.
1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first
few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom.
Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.
4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich"
usually cancels out the nice of "bald."
5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world
where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
6. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that
when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he
concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he
coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in
trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
7. If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during
play-off season.
8. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel
important.
9. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning.
Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
10. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
11. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he
can ever care about anyone else.
12. Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can
learn in private; in public they have to know.
13. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
14. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my
pillow, instead of a gun.
15. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men
usually have jobs and bathe.
16. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one
that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.
17. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship."
These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General
Schwarzkopf.
18. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and
the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
19. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough
to get a bikini wax.
20. All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not.
Contact me for a list of names.
21. Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.
22. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two
types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy
and not nerdy.
23. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating
goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are
like portable heaters that snore.
24. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never
seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so
embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a
black tuxedo."
25. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is
usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from
the door.
26. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or
more types of lettuce, he is serious.
27. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he
a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you
are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only
works oncocoons and butterflies.
28. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get
tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.
29. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record
saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
30. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
31. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
32. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
33. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the
movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
34. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally
and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my
team win? How's my car?"
35. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't
forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just
didn't want to call you.
36. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked
him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not
with each other."
37. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do
it out of sight of women.
38. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a
problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might
sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I
suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to
have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
39. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example:
"Mitch, you look great." Mitch:"Thanks." On the other
side:"Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."
40. Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping
Network
41. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
42. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it
is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a
jumpsuit.
43. Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do
because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's
dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men
emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get
dressed.
44. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with
superheros. Women have bad self-images because they grow up
identifying with Barbie.
45. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight,
she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries
something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the
clothing has shrunk.
46. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With
female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male
menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
47. Men forget everything; women remember everything.
48. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already
forgotten what happened.
49. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
50. All men would still really like to own a train set.
From ddferran@ddf.b30.ingr.com Thu Jul 18 12:50:36 MET DST 1996
Article: 15686 of rec.humor.funny
Xref: lemis rec.humor.funny:15686
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: ddferran@ddf.b30.ingr.com (Dianne Ferrans)
Subject: FW: Sex for Brides circa 1894
Keywords: chuckle
Approved: funny-request@clari.net
Path: lemis!news.ppp.net!news.maz.net!lf.net!news.belwue.de!fu-berlin.de!nntp.coast.net!lll-winken.llnl.gov!fugue.clari.net!funny-request
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Date: Mon, 15 Jul 96 19:30:01 EDT
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Status: OR
Since this was copyrighted over 100 years ago, I think it should be
OK to reprint.....
[Note - I think so, too... - ed.]
===================================================
copyright 1894 The Madison Institute.
===================================================
The following is a reprint from The Madison Institute Newsletter,
Fall Issue, 1894:
INSTRUCTION AND ADVICE
FOR THE
YOUNG BRIDE
on the
Conduct and Procedure of the
Intimate and Personal Relationships
of the Marriage State
for the
Greater Spiritual Sanctity of this
Blessed Sacrament and the Glory of God
by
Ruth Smythers
beloved wife of
The Reverend L.D. Smythers
Pastor of the Arcadian Methodist
Church of the Eastern Regional Conference
Published in the year
of our Lord 1894
Spiritual Guidance Press
New York City
INSTRUCTION AND ADVICE FOR THE YOUNG BRIDE
To the sensitive young woman who has had the benefits of proper
upbringing, the wedding day is, ironically, both the happiest and
most terrifying day of her life. On the positive side, there is the
wedding itself, in which the bride is the central attraction in a
beautiful and inspiring ceremony, symbolizing her triumph in securing
a male to provide for all her needs for the rest of her life. On the
negative side, there is the wedding night, during which the bride
must pay the piper, so to speak, by facing for the first time the
terrible experience of sex.
At this point, dear reader, let me concede one shocking truth.Some
young women actually anticipate the wedding night ordeal with
curiosity and pleasure! Beware such an attitude! A selfish and
sensual husband can easily take advantage of such a bride. One
cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: GIVE LITTLE,
GIVE SELDOM, AND ABOVE ALL, GIVE GRUDGINGLY. Otherwise what could
have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust.
On the other hand, the bride's terror need not be extreme. While sex
it at best revolting and at worse rather painful, it has to be
endured, and has been by women since the beginning of time, and is
compensated for by the monogamous home and by the children produced
through it.
It is useless, in most cases, for the bride to prevail upon the
groom to forego the sexual initiation. While the ideal husband would
be one who would approach his bride only at her request and only for
the purpose of begetting offspring, such nobility and unselfishness
cannot be expected from the average man.
Most men, if not denied, would demand sex almost every day. The wise
bride will permit a maximum of two brief sexual experiences weekly
during the first months of marriage. As time goes by she should
make every effort to reduce this frequency.
Feigned illness, sleepiness, and headaches are among the wife's best
friends in this matter. Arguments, nagging, scolding, and bickering
also prove very effective, if used in the late evening about an hour
before the husband would normally commence his seduction.
Clever wives are ever on the alert for new and better methods of
denying and discouraging the amorous overtures of the husband. A
good wife should expect to have reduced sexual contacts to once a
week by the end of the first year of marriage and to once a month by
the end of the fifth year of marriage.
By their tenth anniversary many wives have managed to complete their
child bearing and have achieved the ultimate goal of terminating all
sexual contacts with the husband. By this time she can depend upon
his love for the children and social pressures to hold the husband
in the home.
Just as she should be ever alert to keep the quantity of sex as low
as possible, the wise bride will pay equal attention to limiting the
kind and degree of sexual contacts. Most men are by nature rather
perverted, and if given half a chance, would engage in quite a
variety of the most revolting practices. These practices include
among others performing the normal act in abnormal positions;
mouthing the female body; and offering their own vile bodies to be
mouthed in turn.
Nudity, talking about sex, reading stories about sex, viewing
photographs and drawings depicting or suggesting sex are the
obnoxious habits the male is likely to acquire if permitted.
A wise bride will make it the goal never to allow her husband to see
her unclothed body, and never allow him to display his unclothed body
to her. Sex, when it cannot be prevented, should be practiced only in
total darkness. Many women have found it useful to have thick cotton
nightgowns for themselves and pajamas for their husbands. These
should be donned in separate rooms. They need not be removed durning
the sex act. Thus, a minimum of flesh is exposed.
Once the bride has donned her gown and turned off all the lights, she
should lie quietly upon the bed and await her groom. When he comes
groping into the room she should make no sound to guide him in her
direction, lest he take this as a sign of encouragement. She should
let him grope in the dark. There is always the hope that he will
stumble and incur some slight injury which she can use as an excuse
to deny him sexual access.
When he finds her, the wife should lie as still as possible. Bodily
motion on her part could be interpreted as sexual excitement by the
optimistic husband.
If he attempts to kiss her on the lips she should turn her head
slightly so that the kiss falls harmlessly on her cheek instead. If
he attempts to kiss her hand, she should make a fist. If he lifts her
gown and attempts to kiss her anyplace else she should quickly pull
the gown back in place, spring from the bed, and announce that
nature calls her to the toilet. This will generally dampen his
desire to kiss in the forbidden territory.
If the husband attempts to seduce her with lascivious talk, the wise
wife will suddenly remember some trivial non-sexual question to ask
him. Once he answers she should keep the conversation going, no
matter how frivolous it may seem at the time.
Eventually, the husband will learn that if he insists on having
sexual contact, he must get on with it without amorous embellishment.
The wise wife will allow him to pull the gown up no farther than the
waist, and only permit him to open the front of his pajamas to thus
make connection.
She will be absolutely silent or babble about her housework while his
huffing and puffing away. Above all, she will lie perfectly still and
never under any circumstances grunt or groan while the act is in
progress. As soon as the husband has completed the act, the wise
wife will start nagging him about various minor tasks she wishes him
to perform on the morrow. Many men obtain a major portion of their
sexual satisfaction from the peaceful exhaustion immediately after
the act is over. Thus the wife must insure that there is no peace
in this period for him to enjoy. Otherwise, he might be encouraged
to soon try for more.
One heartening factor for which the wife can be grateful is the fact
that the husband's home, school, church, and social environment have
been working together all through his life to instill in him a deep
sense of guilt in regards to his sexual feelings, so that he comes to
the marriage couch apologetically and filled with shame, already half
cowed and subdued. The wise wife seizes upon this advantage and
relentlessly pursues her goal first to limit, later to annihilate
completely her husband's desire for sexual expression.
copyright 1894 The Madison Institute.
--
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